Two Guys Rally

The Layman’s Guide to Rally Racing: A Guest Post
[ April 16th, 2008 ] By: Charles Smith and Mark Ozimek Posted in » Ramblings

My knowledge of the rally world is limited. Limited to Xbox games and Youtube videos of deer slamming into the hood of an oncoming car and then flying several directions at once. Hell, I can barely pull out of my driveway without rolling my car, much less speed along skinny, muddy, bumpy deer butchering facilities. Maybe that’s what makes the sport so amazing to me: the drivers’mastery of adverse conditions. Whereas other automotive enthusiasts make excuses like, “the track was wet,” or “the sun was especially bright today,” or, in NASCAR’s case, “I got a cramp from turning left again,” rally drivers boast technical difficulties like “I landed on some spectators. On my roof,” or “I had to drive six miles with my hood obscuring my view and ended up losing a couple seconds.” Positively manly.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, where other sports involving the internal combustion engine showcase things like technology (F1), ingenuity (American National Unimotorcyclists Society) or hickitude (dirt track racing), WRX displays what can only described as stupi-err, grit and determination and skill. When you drive one of these things, you get more shit flying at your grill than the star of a niche porn video. Plus, just when you get attached to your car, BAM! You take a bump too fast and your wheels now look like the Delorean in Back to the Future II.

Don’t get me wrong, this article isn’t all adulation. What kind of lazy bastard needs someone to tell them how to turn? Or even go straight? The co-drivers in these things are so fucking mouthy, it’s like being married. “Left three, right three, you’re lost, aren’t you? Why don’t you stop and ask for directions? Oh, the Pastranas invited us over for brunch after this stage.” Were I the driver, I’d be looking for the nearest cliff to drive off of. Instant TV ratings! I wouldn’t be able to watch it, though, since I’d be paralyzed from the skull down. That, and the only way it would show up on TV is in some SpikeTV clip show where the announcer sounds like an edgy nineties surfer guy, duuuuude.

But, to the point of this article: How to pretend to know what you’re talking about when discussing this sport with a friend. I’ll let you in on the magic words: Colin McRae. Casually drop this name (“Hey, that cloud looks like Colin McRae!” or “I’m sorry to hear about your Mother’s cancer Colin McRae,” work wonders) and wait for your buddy to expound on either how great McRae is or how overrated he is. Either way, you’re off the hook. Oh, and don’t mention helicopters. Other polarizing topics of discussion: Mitsubishi vs. Subaru, snow vs. dirt, special stage vs. superspecial stage (not made up), Paris vs. Dakar, Ali vs. Foreman, paper vs. plastic, hell, disagree with them about the weather. It’s easy to work these people into a lather, because, well, they’re crazy. Should they chase you, scream “Left two!” and then go right. They’ll never see it coming.

Other things to look out for: Finns. Finnish people seem to be good at driving cars, and, because their country is a wasteland so awful that not even Russia wanted it, they’re all excellent at driving in the most shit of conditions. In Finnish high schools they have two career paths: driver or black metal band. Your choice pretty much hinges on how much makeup you like to wear. For extra points, try not laughing at names like Tapio Rainio and Hannu Mikkola. I think one’s named after a pudding and the other’s named after a cell phone.

“Rallies.” Sure, I mean, a rally’s a rally, but if it’s not World Rally Championship, it ain’t shit. Unless it is shit. Like, actual poop. Things like Gumball 3000 have cars killing people, but it’s not the same if it’s a bunch of rich guys driving around and getting drunk and then driving some more. We’re lookin’ for a different kind of irresponsibility here. If watching rich people drive cars that your eyes are too poor to even look at is your idea of a good time, go for it, but don’t forget that you can watch regular people drive regular cars down at your local highway. Please go sit in the middle of that thing.

Non rally drivers. Sure, that guy’s got a great looking Evo VIII but rest assured that he wouldn’t even consider getting that thing dirty. Because he is a huge pussy with too much money and not enough derring-do. Why, why buy all that engineering and then do nothing but drive to the club with it? To pick up chicks. Wait, ignore everything I just wrote, this guy knows what he’s doing.

False prophets. These are guys who’ll tell you all about how to enjoy rally racing and what to look out for, even when they don’t know shit. They’ll probably start off by talking about Colin McRae and then hope you take it from there while they nod in agreement. They have a little trick where they try and make YOU screw up in a conversation, because if you both know nothing, whoever calls the other one out first wins. They may also weasel into other topics, like the political climate of central African nations and the effects of American foreign pol-Colin McRae.

Look, there’re plenty of resources out there to find out all sorts of great stuff about this, like wikipedia, video games, and the SPEED channel at 3am on a Tuesday, if you’re lucky. I don’t really have time to hold your hand through all this, I’ve gotta roll my car back over. It’s stuck in my driveway.

About the Author: Dan Summers is a RIT Mechanical Engineering student due to graduate in 2009. Unfortunately for you, he does not consistently blog and I have no where to send you for more of his witty writings.